Disengaging from a default, deferred reality
Today is my last day at Verdenergia. At 1am, I will be on a flight to NY and then back at Babson on August 17th for RA training.
I am in a constant state of joy, appreciation, excitement, and acceptance. The past 12 weeks have been more healing, more filled with love and thoughtfulness and presence and awareness and lessons and wisdom than any other time in my life. I am not underestimating. From the authentic people to the co-dependent interactions with the land and plants and buildings to the spirit of nonjudgment, change, truth, and creativity—I have never felt so strongly that I am exactly where I need to be. I have become conscious of so much.
In my freshman and sophomore years at Babson, I began to feel an ache in my spirit. This ache spoke to me of my feeling of distance from my creativity. It spoke to me of my many fears—fear of failure, fear of disapproval, fear of unmet expectations, fear of wrong decisions, fear of lack, fear of fear. I did, however, have something in me that allowed me to survive and thrive despite my fears—trust. I trust life. I never fully realized how paralyzing our society has felt for me. We live in a world of things and stuff. We resign our creativity and will to other people, to institutions, to corporations, to culture, to habits. For most of us, the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the gadgets we own, the cars we drive—they are unoriginal, made in bulk, most often do not support local economies, and are made and sustained by slaves—the 30 million slaves around the world who work to support out conveniences. We have given up our truth, our creativity, our authentic expression. We live in default realities. I do not judge that, but I am becoming more and more aware of this—in myself and in my surroundings. We accept our default realities, believing that this is the only way things could possibly be because this is the way it has always been. We go to college because we think we should and even if we don’t enjoy it, even if we don’t fit into the standardized school mentality, we stay. We feel an obligation—to our family, to our culture, to our decisions—even when it doesn’t feel right to us. We numb our hearts to the truth, close our ears to voice within, close our mouths to authentic communication. We don’t speak our truths. We choose ignorance and silence and support banksters and gangsters and images and ideals that tell us that things are the way they are and that’s just how it’s going to be. We accept a false sense of democracy. We think, “We’re progressive. We’re evolving. The president is speaking out in favor of gay rights. There are laws on the books to protect our rights.” What rights? How can we even number or list the rights people have or do not have? How do we decide who gets to have what rights?
We feel comfort in the illusion of democracy. Comfort in the illusion of reality. Comfort in staying in school when we want to leave, or doing the job we do not love, or eating food, (produced and packaged all over the world), that we know is filled with chemicals and fillers to make crap taste good, look good, and make us feel good—for the moment (and sometimes not even that); we choose comfort in relationships that do not serve us, comfort in wearing the clothes that are “appropriate” and not the ones that are “inappropriate,” comfort in supporting companies that are destroying our forests, killing our animals, pumping chemicals into our aquafers, polluting our air, our water, our food, our bodies, and subjecting our subordinates—the poor, the “illegal” immigrants, the minorities, the untouchables, the disadvantaged people in those places and countries where we don’t have to acknowledge what it takes to maintain our freedoms and conveniences—to slavery and exploitation. And we rarely ask why. And when we do ask why we assume that there are no answers so we have no expectation that things will change (although we hope they will). And since things won’t change anyway, why not continue living in comfort, living in ignorance, living as rebels in our thoughts and pushovers in reality? Why not continue to be comfortable with our discomfort? We have become comfortable in the most extreme, unnatural situations. And the people who realize this and choose differently—they are considered extremists. We are already extreme. We need extremists on the other end to create a balance.
My time at Verdenergia has inspired fearlessness in my spirit. It has inspired me to live authentically—not just some of the time but all the time. It has inspired me to use wisely, my power to choose. This winter solstice, Verdenergia will be hosting a festival called “From Evolution to Revolution.” That is what my experience has been for the past 12 weeks. An evolution in my mind, body, and spirit has led to revolutionary insight and choices. Lyrical genius, Lupe Fiasco raps, “A rebel in your thoughts ain’t gon’ make it halt. If you don’t become an actor, you’ll never be a factor.” I am choosing confidence in my power, abilities, choices, and truth rather than surrendering my will and choice to forces outside of me. I am choosing life over a default, deferred reality.